I have experience with this as an athlete and now as a parent. I am in the thick of it with my own 14 year old freshman. I hear you!!
As an athlete I always knew my Dad was a fierce competitor. He didn’t like to lose and he knew how to win. He is a huge part of my success as an athlete and a person.
My parents believed in me and in my potential to handle difficult things.
My dad always led any discussion with something positive. And trust me there were times when I am sure that finding positives were hard and took some work on his part.
It also wasn’t a “pie in the sky positive comment,” he sincerely found in the game what I did well. Which means he was intentionally scanning for the good not just the bad.
After the positive comment, it was usually followed with a constructive suggestion on what I could do better.
My dad NEVER talked negativity about my teammates or my coaches. He taught me to succeed within the framework of my coaches offenses and defenses.
My parents never allowed me to “play the victim.” Which sounds like “so and so isn’t passing me the ball,” or “my coach hates me and never plays me,” or “I should be playing over so and so.”
I remember once when I was complaining about something like that and my dad said to me, “Well what are you going to do about it?” That put the responsibility right back on me where it has the most power to affect change.
I was also never allowed to complain about the refereeing. He had high expectations for me and he held me accountable.
My parents were also both compassionate people and they listened to me. They knew somethings were best left to the coach.
They were always available to me physically and emotionally. They were home when I got home from practice and always at my games. Even if I didn’t play!
My parents let me struggle and they understood that their job was to help me optimize my experiences so that I could become a better version of myself!!
If you don’t watch the video and just read the article, this is the #1 thing that will help you the most.
The experiences your athlete is having in their sport are there for them! The adversity is there to help them grow into a better version of themselves. Don’t try to take it from them.
Set them up for success by helping them maximize the adversity they are experiencing.
One of the key indicators for me is that what ever strategies my dad used to talk to me it strengthened our relationship.
We still have a strong relationship and love nothing better than watching a good basketball game together. It’s something we have always cherished and has been a launching point for
our relationship.
What ever you do with your athlete remember you want it to strengthen your relationship. And when in doubt say something like, “I love watching you play."
In Summary
I want to show you a live example of how this looks and how this works. I am so positive this will be a game changer in your home I am offering this video to you for free.
Athlete: In an overtime game, my coach played a freshman over me — for the whole overtime. I never even got in, in the overtime. I was playing badly and now I am scared I am going to lose my starting position to this freshman. I don’t think my coach trusts me anymore. We won the game and I wasn’t even playing.
The first mistake parents may make in this situation is that they would try to talk the athlete out of feeling this way. Their emotion is valid, they feel fear that everything they have worked for is over and they will lose their starting position and life will be over as we know it!! You also don’t want to indulge them in this emotion: Which means you don’t want to make them think this is the end of the world and that they are right. You don’t want them to get into
victim mentality. The “wo is me attitude.”
What do I mean by neutral state? The truth is basketball is an up and down sport — there will always be adversity, and a lot of it.
You want your athlete to be able to respond in a way that they will learn all they can from this experience and become better from it!!
In this situation this athlete is not in a place where she can learn from the experience. It hurts too badly and it is very personal. She truly thinks that her coach doesn’t trust her and that she will lose her starting position.
Step 1: After you have listened compassionately and the athlete has said what they need to say. Help them separate the facts from the story. With the athlete I wouldn’t use the word story, I would use the word experience.
It would look like this:
Parent/Coach: What I want you to do now with this experience is, help me get the facts out of this experience. (What I mean by facts are something you could prove in a court of law that everyone in the world would agree with.)
The facts of this experience are:
The rest: I was playing badly (which they will NOT want to see as not a fact— because it isn’t. They can not prove they were playing badly. You may want to disagree with me here and that’s okay but they cannot prove that fact to the rest of the world. Maybe to the basketball world, but not the the whole world.)
I am going to lose my starting position to a freshman.
My coach doesn’t trust me anymore.
Can you already see the power in this? The experience can lose its steam when you point out that there are facts of this experience and there are thoughts about this experience. You want the athlete to understand that the way they are interpreting the experience can either help them or hurt them.
So we plug it into what I call the “Self Coaching Model.” This was my conversation with the athlete. After we separated the facts from the story.
Me: So you have had this experience and the fact of it is—My team had an overtime game and I didn’t play. CIRCUMSTANCE And you are thinking the that “I played bad and my coach isn’t going to trust me anymore” THOUGHT
Athlete: Yes that is what I am thinking.
Me: Tell me what that experience is like for you? How does that feel for you?
Athlete: I am devastated FEELING.
Me: When you are feeling devastated what do you do?
Athlete: I pull away from my family and parents, I get crabby with them, I go to my room, I lose confidence in myself, hang my head, think about it constantly. ACTION *Can you just imagine her body language as she is telling me this? This is so hard for her. But don’t try to talk her out of it!! Let her be where she needs to be in this moment. Hold this space for her to hurt and feel what she needs to feel.
Me: When you are thinking “I played bad and my coach doesn’t trust me, you feel devastated and you withdraw from your family and you can’t stop thinking about it and the result of that is you have lost the ability to trust yourself. I don’t trust myself and I don’t get any better from this situation.
Circumstance: My team had an overtime game and I didn’t play.
Thought: I played bad and my coach isn’t going to trust me anymore
Feeling: Devastated
Action: I pull away from my family and parents, I get crabby with them, I go to my room, I lose confidence in myself, hang my head, think about it constantly.
Result: I don’t trust myself and I don’t work to get any better Why you have to show the athlete now is that it isn’t the circumstance causing the trouble, it's what they are thinking about the circumstance that is causing the trouble.
Me: What I want you to see is that you are causing the result of “I don’t trust myself and I don’t work to get any better” by what you are thinking.
Me: Can there possibly be any other way to interpret this experience. I mean you might have to stretch to find another possible interpretation.
Athlete: Well they were a smaller quicker team and maybe the coach was looking for smaller combination so they would match up better. WHAT???? So why is the athlete choosing to believe that their coach doesn’t trust them anymore when that thought is optional also? THIS IS WHERE THE POWER IS because now the thought will change the result without changing the circumstance.
Me: So lets plug this into a model again without changing the circumstance My team had an overtime game and I didn’t play CIRCUMSTANCE. And another possible interpretation is that “my coach found a combination in the game that
was working and he went with it.” THOUGHT Now when you think about it this way what is it like for you?
Athlete: I feel so relieved! FEELING
Me: and when you feel relieved what do you do?
Athlete: I engage with my family, I talk to my siblings and parents, I get my butt to the gym so I can get better and work on my skills, I have confidence in myself. ACTION
Me: And when you have those kinds of actions what will be the result for you?
Athlete: I am going to get better and support my coach and teammates. Can you see her body language change from this experience?
Circumstance: My team had an overtime game and I didn’t play.
Thought: My coach found a combination in the game that was working and he went with it.
Feeling: Relieved
Action: I engage with my family, I talk to my siblings and parents, I get my butt to the gym so I can get better and work on my skills, I have confidence in myself.
Result: I get better at basketball and support my teammates and coaches.
You will be happy to know that this athlete went on to be an all conference player and played in the state championship game and did not lose her starting position! She just signed to play basketball for a D2 school in Montana. She is a rock star!
